I'm not someone who is easily offended. When people are mean or inconsiderate, I figure it's their issue, not mine. That's why I've been surprised that some words spoken at a meeting I attended several weeks ago have stuck with me. At this meeting some kids were repeatedly talked about as being from a "broken family" or a "broken home". The first time someone said it, I was taken back. I'd heard of divorced families referred to that way, but I guess not since I've married into one. I just kept thinking, "Please don't ever tell my kids that you think their home is broken."
I've gone over and over in my head reasons why this was so offensive to me. Admittedly, I can see how the term fits. Since being so close to kids of divorced parents, I know first hand that divorce stinks for kids. It is not fair to them. I would advise anyone to work out their marriage problems, if at all possible (which I realize sometimes isn't) rather than put kids through "mom's home" and "dad's home" the rest of their lives. Not only that, but I've seen how kids get pulled into disagreements and forced to choose a parent's side. No matter how amicable the divorce, there will undoubtedly be emotional turmoil for the kids. The situation is "broken" on a lot of levels.
I found myself getting defensive by comparing our situation to abusive or neglectful parents who stayed together. At least my kids know they are loved by both of their parents. Every family is "broken" in one way or another. Clearly, our family isn't as broken as others, so why do we get the label? I don't like that line of thinking - justifying one less-than-ideal situation because it's better than a worse one. I do believe the best situation for kids is a mom, dad and siblings, all living together in a loving environment. Reality is, that is not reality for a lot of kids. I also realize kids from any environment can grow up to be healthy and happy.
So, I agree that there are some things "broken" about how my kids are growing up. Maybe what offended me by the term is that by simply referring to all divorced families as "broken", we aren't getting any credit for what we have done to fix it. Rick and I have made our top priority creating a stable environment for the kids. Every decision we make is based on what is best for the kids. Not that we are different from any other concerned parent. Hearing someone refer collectively to all divorced families as "broken homes" lumped us in with a vast range of situations.
Now that I'm writing that, I do not think that is what really bothers me. Again, I'm not easily offended. I don't care if you acknowledge my hard work on "fixing my broken family". What anyone thinks of my parenting is their business and how we parent is ours. I'm not going change what they think and they aren't going to change my behavior. I believe I stated my real issue at the beginning when I said I didn't want my kids to deal with the stigma of people referring to them "one of those kids from a broken home", as if that's so telling about who they are. Their parents are divorced, it doesn't define them.
Compared to my childhood, my kids have been through a lot of turmoil in their short lives. They have come through it very well. They are great kids. I think we have a good home and work hard at giving the kids every opportunity in life. Regardless if we succeed or not, this is their life. They did not choose to have divorced parents. I'm sure they would rather not have the emotional turmoil or every-other-weekend sleeping schedule. They have taken it all and done very well for themselves. They don't know anything different. I hope nobody ever tells them they are "broken" due to their parents actions, because the last thing you want to believe is that you are nothing more than the product of someone else's choices.
Here goes the cyclical thinking. While I don't want my kids to think of themselves as from a broken home, I also want them to want something different for their future families. I want them to have the skills to have a healthy relationship. I want them to want to give their kids an experience with childhood they did not have, one where parents stay together, love each other, and work through problems. I hope we are giving them a good example of a healthy marriage. I hope we are teaching them skills that will help them have healthy relationships. I realize sometimes things will be out of their control, but I hope they have the desire and ability to have a happy, lasting marriage.
I don't know that I've come to any conclusions about my reaction to that conversation a few weeks ago. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I'm interested in other thoughts on the subject. Tell me what you think.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Weekend Update - Memorial Weekend.
It was a perfect weekend. I did not take many pictures.
I had Friday off of work so Rick and I got some house projects done. The boys both had plans that evening so we had a dinner/movie date. It's been a while and was very nice. I love date night!
Saturday we headed down to Provo to pick up Michelle for the weekend and visit graves at the Provo cemetery. Here are the Lyon's gang by Maurine's grave. I had everyone tell a memory of her. We also went to my grandparent's grave at the same cemetery.
Saturday evening we watched Cold Comfort Farm on Netflix (I recommend- see review on right sidebar). Sunday after church we took a drive to the Bear River Bird Refuge. It was incredible as always. Favorite sitings were a Long-billed Curlew and a Yellow-bellied Marmot.
Monday Rick and I took a bike ride and we had Rick's brother and family over for a cook out.
It was seriously the perfect weekend, very balanced with fun, family, projects, and relaxation .
I had Friday off of work so Rick and I got some house projects done. The boys both had plans that evening so we had a dinner/movie date. It's been a while and was very nice. I love date night!
Saturday we headed down to Provo to pick up Michelle for the weekend and visit graves at the Provo cemetery. Here are the Lyon's gang by Maurine's grave. I had everyone tell a memory of her. We also went to my grandparent's grave at the same cemetery.
Saturday evening we watched Cold Comfort Farm on Netflix (I recommend- see review on right sidebar). Sunday after church we took a drive to the Bear River Bird Refuge. It was incredible as always. Favorite sitings were a Long-billed Curlew and a Yellow-bellied Marmot.
Monday Rick and I took a bike ride and we had Rick's brother and family over for a cook out.
It was seriously the perfect weekend, very balanced with fun, family, projects, and relaxation .
Monday, May 20, 2013
Resilience
I wrote this blog over a month ago. It keeps changing. It started out being about bullying, but has evolved as I've had some experiences the past several weeks.
There has been a lot in the media about bullying and I've had some people I care about treated horribly lately. While I believe that we need to teach kids to be kind to each other, I also think we need to do better at teaching kids to be resilient. Mean people are not going away, we need to learn/teach how to deal with difficult situations/people without letting it devastate us.
I have a good friend who is a therapist and does a lot of work with foster children/families. She has spent years doing research to come up with a resilience program for families. She has asked us to be part of one of her focus groups. It is a six months program and we are just starting month two. I'm loving it so far.
Each month focuses on different aspect of resilience. Last month was gratitude, which basically was learning how to see something positive in everything. This month we are learning to be growth-minded, meaning learning to see difficult situations as learning opportunities. This includes learning to notice things like saying, "I can't" when things are hard, or blaming others when something goes wrong, both examples of being frozen-minded. One of my biggest pet peeves is when my kids say, "I can't." I've tried to teach them that they can do anything, it may be hard, but that doesn't mean that can't do it. I don't know that it has sunk in.
We also discussed this month how, as parents, we can disable our kids by how we praise them. If we tell them they did well on a test because they are smart, when they don't do well on the next test they think they are not smart, or they may not want to do something hard thinking they have no control over how smart they are, and therefore, how well they'll perform. If, instead of praising ability, we praise effort (i.e. "I'm proud how hard you studied to get a good grade") then they internalize that working hard pays off. I may not have explained that very well, and I'll understand it better as we go through our weekly lessons this month.
Originally, I was excited about this program for my kids. After the first meeting, I realized that I need the information for myself as well. Staying positive and learning to be happy regardless of your circumstances is a lifelong process. I'm excited for my family to learn and participate in my friend's research. I'm ready to make some personal changes and excited for my kids to gain more knowledge that will help them develop resilience to cope with whatever life throws at them.
There has been a lot in the media about bullying and I've had some people I care about treated horribly lately. While I believe that we need to teach kids to be kind to each other, I also think we need to do better at teaching kids to be resilient. Mean people are not going away, we need to learn/teach how to deal with difficult situations/people without letting it devastate us.
I have a good friend who is a therapist and does a lot of work with foster children/families. She has spent years doing research to come up with a resilience program for families. She has asked us to be part of one of her focus groups. It is a six months program and we are just starting month two. I'm loving it so far.
Each month focuses on different aspect of resilience. Last month was gratitude, which basically was learning how to see something positive in everything. This month we are learning to be growth-minded, meaning learning to see difficult situations as learning opportunities. This includes learning to notice things like saying, "I can't" when things are hard, or blaming others when something goes wrong, both examples of being frozen-minded. One of my biggest pet peeves is when my kids say, "I can't." I've tried to teach them that they can do anything, it may be hard, but that doesn't mean that can't do it. I don't know that it has sunk in.
We also discussed this month how, as parents, we can disable our kids by how we praise them. If we tell them they did well on a test because they are smart, when they don't do well on the next test they think they are not smart, or they may not want to do something hard thinking they have no control over how smart they are, and therefore, how well they'll perform. If, instead of praising ability, we praise effort (i.e. "I'm proud how hard you studied to get a good grade") then they internalize that working hard pays off. I may not have explained that very well, and I'll understand it better as we go through our weekly lessons this month.
Originally, I was excited about this program for my kids. After the first meeting, I realized that I need the information for myself as well. Staying positive and learning to be happy regardless of your circumstances is a lifelong process. I'm excited for my family to learn and participate in my friend's research. I'm ready to make some personal changes and excited for my kids to gain more knowledge that will help them develop resilience to cope with whatever life throws at them.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Ride Report - Commuting again
I'm loving that the weather is nice enough to ride again. I started the bike commute again last week. With my back issues over the winter, I am out of shape. I'm starting slowly. I park at the train station and take Trax into work with my bike, then bike back to the train station after work. It's just over 15 miles.
Biking has made my back hurt a bit. I thought I would try riding my mountain bike instead of my road bike one day because it's a little more comfortable of a position. Bad idea. It felt like I was dragging an anvil the whole way.
Perspective is funny. Before I had my road bike, I rode with a group that did both trail and road riding. I'd take my mountain bike on both. It was no big deal. Now that I'm used to my road bike, I was surprised at how much easier it is to ride on the road with the lighter bike and skinny tires. I was laughing with a co-worker at how funny it is that the purpose of riding is for exercise, yet we do everything we can to make it as easy as possible.
Tomorrow I'm riding both directions from the train station. I've always enjoyed the morning ride to work, more than the ride home and it should only take a few minutes longer than riding the train. Hopefully, in a few weeks I'll be ready to skip the train station all together and brave the big hill up to my house.
Biking has made my back hurt a bit. I thought I would try riding my mountain bike instead of my road bike one day because it's a little more comfortable of a position. Bad idea. It felt like I was dragging an anvil the whole way.
Perspective is funny. Before I had my road bike, I rode with a group that did both trail and road riding. I'd take my mountain bike on both. It was no big deal. Now that I'm used to my road bike, I was surprised at how much easier it is to ride on the road with the lighter bike and skinny tires. I was laughing with a co-worker at how funny it is that the purpose of riding is for exercise, yet we do everything we can to make it as easy as possible.
Tomorrow I'm riding both directions from the train station. I've always enjoyed the morning ride to work, more than the ride home and it should only take a few minutes longer than riding the train. Hopefully, in a few weeks I'll be ready to skip the train station all together and brave the big hill up to my house.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Weekend Update- Girls weekend
I can't believe I haven't blogged for a month. Last weekend was very blog worthy. After I moved from Colorado in 1996, my two girlfriends and I would do a girls weekend at least once a year. As they starting having kids, the frequency diminished. The last time I saw them was for my wedding four years ago. It was definitely time to get together again.
Erica planned a great weekend.They are both now back in Colorado. Kat's parents are in Boulder, where we all used to live, and they agreed to let us all crash at their place.
We started the weekend with dinner and a few other girls who are still in the area. This picture is horrible. The waiter was acting like he knew so much about photos, changing settings on my iphone before taking the photo. Uh- flash should have been turned off. Anyway, the gist is a fun dinner with the girls. Erin, Tina, Erica, Kat, me, Margaret
The rest of the weekend was shopping, hanging out, lots of chatting, visiting with our old Bishop and his wife, the FIRO-B (personality test that we've taken every girls weekend since 1998. Erica keeps the results so we can see how we've changed over the years), Apple Jacks (girls weekend staple), and a movie (42) in this amazing theater with reclining leather seats.
Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of photo taking. This is the only pic we got of the three of us.
I have to take a minute to praise my friends. When I lived in Boulder, I remember thinking how amazing my friends were.
Kat is smart- literally MENSA-smart. While impressive, this isn't my favorite thing about her. What I love is you'd never know how smart she is by talking to her. I told her that once, as a compliment, which she took as one. She has a PhD in neurobiology, but she isn't one of those people whose self-image is based on being a smart girl. (Please don't think this is a sexist comment and I think girls shouldn't be smart. I find men who have to prove how smart they are in every conversation every bit as annoying.) She is just Kat. Fun loving, well rounded, and a very interesting conversationalist. Some of my favorite memories are day long hikes through Rocky Mountain National Park having intense conversations solving the world's (and our) problems. She knows how to get things done, and fast. When my apartment flooded when I was in Utah for Christmas, Kat was there and had the place cleaned out in no time. (Or maybe it did take a long time, I wasn't there there. But no complaints from Kat, she just takes care of what needs to be done. No complaints.) She went the extra mile and, after everything dried out, put it back in its place before I got back. Kat is also DIY queen. I don't think there is an original wall left in her house. The week before I got there, she found a huge boulder buried in her yard, which they promptly dug up and are making into a bubbling fountain for the front yard. She the mother to 3 cutie kids who have a never-ending supply of crafts and homemade treats from Kat. She also recently added raising chickens to her resume.
I consider Erica as the heart of our group. I feel like she's the one who brought us all together. She is extremely talented and smart. When we lived in Boulder she was completing her Master's degree in music. She is a talented cellist and amazing vocalist. I loved all the comp tickets to hear her play in the Boulder Philharmonic. I was always so proud to be her friend. She is also a ton of fun. Lots of great memories laughing with Erica. She always got us to be just a little wacky. Everything was always more fun when Erica was around. She now has 4 kids and is an amazing mother. Erica has a talent for making people feel good about themselves. She is also one of the most prepared people I know. Once she slipped and gashed open her leg while hiking. The ER nurse asked her when her last tetanus shot was. It happened to be the day before. Since it had been a while since her last booster, and since we spent a lot of time hiking, she figured she needed one. This is typical Erica. I don't know that she's ever been unprepared for anything. She also runs marathons.
Erica would sometimes clean my house while I was at work so I would be free to hike or bike with her after work. Kat would sometimes get in on this too. They were both in school and I worked full time. Instead of leaving me out of their fun (they did that sometimes too) they would do my chores so I could have a lot of free time in the evenings. I remember one day coming home and Kat (?) had had enough of my annoyingly disorganized CD collection. My house was clean and music was alphabetized.
I love having these girls in my life, even though we don't see each other very often. I'm so happy that we can get together after 4 years and pick up right where we left off. My life is definitely better because I know them!
(Here's a little love the the girls at dinner too. Erin- everyone loves Erin. If you don't believe me, just meet her. You will love her in about 5 seconds. Tina- she moved to Boulder shortly before I moved away. She is a warm, kind woman. Unwavering faith. Mag- all I can say is NEVER play Set with her. You will lose. Mag is all kinds of fun.)
Erica planned a great weekend.They are both now back in Colorado. Kat's parents are in Boulder, where we all used to live, and they agreed to let us all crash at their place.
We started the weekend with dinner and a few other girls who are still in the area. This picture is horrible. The waiter was acting like he knew so much about photos, changing settings on my iphone before taking the photo. Uh- flash should have been turned off. Anyway, the gist is a fun dinner with the girls. Erin, Tina, Erica, Kat, me, Margaret
The rest of the weekend was shopping, hanging out, lots of chatting, visiting with our old Bishop and his wife, the FIRO-B (personality test that we've taken every girls weekend since 1998. Erica keeps the results so we can see how we've changed over the years), Apple Jacks (girls weekend staple), and a movie (42) in this amazing theater with reclining leather seats.
Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of photo taking. This is the only pic we got of the three of us.
I have to take a minute to praise my friends. When I lived in Boulder, I remember thinking how amazing my friends were.
Kat is smart- literally MENSA-smart. While impressive, this isn't my favorite thing about her. What I love is you'd never know how smart she is by talking to her. I told her that once, as a compliment, which she took as one. She has a PhD in neurobiology, but she isn't one of those people whose self-image is based on being a smart girl. (Please don't think this is a sexist comment and I think girls shouldn't be smart. I find men who have to prove how smart they are in every conversation every bit as annoying.) She is just Kat. Fun loving, well rounded, and a very interesting conversationalist. Some of my favorite memories are day long hikes through Rocky Mountain National Park having intense conversations solving the world's (and our) problems. She knows how to get things done, and fast. When my apartment flooded when I was in Utah for Christmas, Kat was there and had the place cleaned out in no time. (Or maybe it did take a long time, I wasn't there there. But no complaints from Kat, she just takes care of what needs to be done. No complaints.) She went the extra mile and, after everything dried out, put it back in its place before I got back. Kat is also DIY queen. I don't think there is an original wall left in her house. The week before I got there, she found a huge boulder buried in her yard, which they promptly dug up and are making into a bubbling fountain for the front yard. She the mother to 3 cutie kids who have a never-ending supply of crafts and homemade treats from Kat. She also recently added raising chickens to her resume.
I consider Erica as the heart of our group. I feel like she's the one who brought us all together. She is extremely talented and smart. When we lived in Boulder she was completing her Master's degree in music. She is a talented cellist and amazing vocalist. I loved all the comp tickets to hear her play in the Boulder Philharmonic. I was always so proud to be her friend. She is also a ton of fun. Lots of great memories laughing with Erica. She always got us to be just a little wacky. Everything was always more fun when Erica was around. She now has 4 kids and is an amazing mother. Erica has a talent for making people feel good about themselves. She is also one of the most prepared people I know. Once she slipped and gashed open her leg while hiking. The ER nurse asked her when her last tetanus shot was. It happened to be the day before. Since it had been a while since her last booster, and since we spent a lot of time hiking, she figured she needed one. This is typical Erica. I don't know that she's ever been unprepared for anything. She also runs marathons.
Erica would sometimes clean my house while I was at work so I would be free to hike or bike with her after work. Kat would sometimes get in on this too. They were both in school and I worked full time. Instead of leaving me out of their fun (they did that sometimes too) they would do my chores so I could have a lot of free time in the evenings. I remember one day coming home and Kat (?) had had enough of my annoyingly disorganized CD collection. My house was clean and music was alphabetized.
I love having these girls in my life, even though we don't see each other very often. I'm so happy that we can get together after 4 years and pick up right where we left off. My life is definitely better because I know them!
(Here's a little love the the girls at dinner too. Erin- everyone loves Erin. If you don't believe me, just meet her. You will love her in about 5 seconds. Tina- she moved to Boulder shortly before I moved away. She is a warm, kind woman. Unwavering faith. Mag- all I can say is NEVER play Set with her. You will lose. Mag is all kinds of fun.)
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