My Broken Family - a therapy session

I'm not someone who is easily offended. When people are mean or inconsiderate, I figure it's their issue, not mine. That's why I've been surprised that some words spoken at a meeting I attended several weeks ago have stuck with me. At this meeting some kids were repeatedly talked about as being from a "broken family" or a "broken home". The first time someone said it, I was taken back. I'd heard of divorced families referred to that way, but I guess not since I've married into one. I just kept thinking, "Please don't ever tell my kids that you think their home is broken."

I've gone over and over in my head reasons why this was so offensive to me. Admittedly, I can see how the term fits. Since being so close to kids of divorced parents, I know first hand that divorce stinks for kids. It is not fair to them. I would advise anyone to work out their marriage problems, if at all possible (which I realize sometimes isn't) rather than put kids through "mom's home" and "dad's home" the rest of their lives. Not only that, but I've seen how kids get pulled into disagreements and forced to choose a parent's side. No matter how amicable the divorce, there will undoubtedly be emotional turmoil for the kids. The situation is "broken" on a lot of levels.

I found myself getting defensive by comparing our situation to abusive or neglectful parents who stayed together. At least my kids know they are loved by both of their parents. Every family is "broken" in one way or another. Clearly, our family isn't as broken as others, so why do we get the label?  I don't like that line of thinking - justifying one less-than-ideal situation because it's better than a worse one. I do believe the best situation for kids is a mom, dad and siblings, all living together in a loving environment. Reality is, that is not reality for a lot of kids. I also realize kids from any environment can grow up to be  healthy and happy.

So, I agree that there are some things "broken" about how my kids are growing up. Maybe what offended me by the term is that by simply referring to all divorced families as "broken", we aren't getting any credit for what we have done to fix it. Rick and I have made our top priority creating a stable environment for the kids. Every decision we make is based on what is best for the kids. Not that we are different from any other concerned parent. Hearing someone refer collectively to all divorced families as "broken homes" lumped us in with a vast range of situations.

Now that I'm writing that, I do not think that is what really bothers me. Again, I'm not easily offended. I don't care if you acknowledge my hard work on "fixing my broken family". What anyone thinks of my parenting is their business and how we parent is ours. I'm not going change what they think and they aren't going to change my behavior. I believe I stated my real issue at the beginning when I said I didn't want my kids to deal with the stigma of people referring to them "one of those kids from a broken home", as if that's so telling about who they are. Their parents are divorced, it doesn't define them.

Compared to my childhood, my kids have been through a lot of turmoil in their short lives. They have come through it very well. They are great kids. I think we have a good home and work hard at giving the kids every opportunity in life. Regardless if we succeed or not, this is their life. They did not choose to have divorced parents. I'm sure they would rather not have the emotional turmoil or every-other-weekend sleeping schedule. They have taken it all and done very well for themselves. They don't know anything different. I hope nobody ever tells them they are "broken" due to their parents actions, because the last thing you want to believe is that you are nothing more than the product of someone else's choices.

Here goes the cyclical thinking. While I don't want my kids to think of themselves as from a broken home, I also want them to want something different for their future families. I want them to have the skills to have a healthy relationship. I want them to want to give their kids an experience with childhood they did not have, one where parents stay together, love each other, and work through problems. I hope we are giving them a good example of a healthy marriage. I hope we are teaching them skills that will help them have healthy relationships. I realize sometimes things will be out of their control, but I hope they have the desire and ability to have a happy, lasting marriage.

I don't know that I've come to any conclusions about my reaction to that conversation a few weeks ago. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I'm interested in other thoughts on the subject. Tell me what you think.